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Woohoo. [Oct. 26th, 2006|10:08 am]
My week of waking up at 4am everyday officially has ended. Thank goodness. It didn't matter how early I went to sleep, my body physically rejects waking up at obscene hours. Right now I am just trying to kill time before I have to go down to the lobby and say goodbye to the group. Then I can go back to the apartment and take a much needed nap. Lunch might also be necessary somewhere in that time frame also. Awesome how it is only 10 am and I have already been awake six hours.

I have not been feeling the judging on Top Model last two weeks. First, they send AJ home when Jaeda obviously should have gotten that vote. Then, they send Brooke home when Jaeda obviously should have gotten that vote. Can somebody tell me why they keep her around? Or Eugenia? They are the two that have been consistently bad in their photographs and they still keep them. I don't understand!

I have a craving for french fries and I hope the Sabres slaughter the Islanders tonight for more reasons than one.
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Oh so confused. [Oct. 21st, 2006|07:15 pm]
The last few weeks have been kind of confusing to me. This morning a group of media I was helping to host left and included a cute German boy. Now, they were only here for three days and I only spent bits and pieces of those three days with them. So I wonder, how is it that five years with Steve left him never being able to see us married, yet the cute German journalist would say things like "so when we are married..." after only having spent three partial days together. It is pretty mind boggling.

Another thing that has been perplexing me...Lady Sovereign. Anyone care to explain her to me? I would appreciate it. Thanks.
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I hate this. [Oct. 15th, 2006|11:31 pm]
People need to stop telling me that these last five years were not a waste. I don't think that it was worth the heartache. I don't agree that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. That is total crap. If I could erase the past right now, I would. I am not saying it wasn't great while it lasted, but losing it all is much more difficult. I would always want Steve to tell me I would be alright when I would fly, and I remember having to board the plane right after this happened and for the first time not caring whether or not the plane went down. I hate feeling this way. I hate more than anything that this all was so unexpected. I feel like Steve didn't value our relationship at all, he threw it away so easily. I wasn't even given the chance to try and make it right. Now, I just want the pain to go away.
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And so it ends. [Oct. 12th, 2006|11:06 pm]
Even though I hadn't planned on calling or texting Steve, I did today. I felt horrible this morning and I felt it was because I didn't have any real closure or understandable reasoning to the break-up. I was tired of feeling sick and like I wanted to cry all day. I guess it is really over now, and it still hurts. Now I feel like the last five years of my life were wasted. It kills me that he was able to throw them away so easily. I remember that at first I didn't want us to date because I didn't want to ruin our friendship and he had convinced me otherwise. I guess I was right about that. I never wanted to become an ex-girlfriend because it such a demeaning title and I feel I am so much more than a surname. Now I have become something I never wanted to be. I also remember having a discussion with him about our future and when I asked him if he could ever see marrying me he said "I don't know." I knew then that he would never want to because if he really loved me that way he would have been able to see married when I asked him then. I think this made me somewhat prepare myself but it still hurt. But apparently I was right about that also. I really didn't want to be right on either account. I just hope my broken heart was worth it.
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Breaking up is hard to do... [Oct. 10th, 2006|01:17 am]
Apparently so hard, some people wont even bother to do it to your face. They will just wait in silence hoping that the problem will fix itself somehow. Or at least this was the case late this afternoon. Maybe I should preface this by saying that, when Steve arrived home from Mexico, allegedly sick, I was nice the whole time,excited to see him, bringing him dinner, rubbing his back, etc. This was met with little appreciation and even less talking. Eventually, this got me to thinking, hmm he has been pretty much a jerk to me all weekend, something must be wrong. But of course my question of "what's wrong?" and "I know it is something beyond you being sick" were shrugged off. Cool. So before boarding my plane at approx 6:30 pm this evening, I text Steve and tell him that I know he has been sick but I was wondering if he still wanted to be with me because he met me with little enthusiasm this weekend. I had no intention of breaking up with him, but the reply I was given was "I have been unhappy for a while and I want to be alone I didn't know how to to tell you I didn't want to hurt your feelings" or something to that effect. Okay, so you wanted to break up with me and evidently the only way you could do it was if prompted by me. The part really irking me, unhappy for a while, which he later told me was months. Not once did I hear of this unhappiness. If I had known, I would have been willing to work something out or at least talk about it to try and resolve it. But no, no mention of it, just ignoring the unhappy feeling until today. Sweet. Another thing bothering me, unhappy for months yet still no problem living in my house and telling me you love me everyday. So basically for months, you have been using me AND lying to me. Awesome. Is that the end? Oh, of course not. Was I even given a reason for his unhappiness? No, not really. Just a "I used to just be unhappy when I was away, now I am unhappy when I am away and when I am at home." Okay, maybe I am not the problem, maybe you are just unhappy in general and you are trying to blame it on me. Also pretty neat.

So to recap...
You only told me you wanted to break up after I had mentioned it. Were you ever going to tell me? Didn't you think after how long we have been together I deserved more of a break up than I got? You said you wanted to avoid the break up conversation. I have got news for you, you cant break up without the break up!

You were using me and lying to me for months. Was this specifically to make me look foolish or feel awful? I guess you succeeded on both accounts because I had actually believed you.

No reason to your unhappiness. How do you know it is even me causing it then? But blaming me is cool I guess.

No effort to resolve the situation. You could have told me this when you began feeling it and we could have worked it out or tried to resolve it. Instead you just let it boil over until I guess there was no solution.

Did you catch how I am guessing a lot? That would be because you gave me no reasoning towards anything. I thought I would have at least deserved a solid reason and a face to face break. I can't believe after all we have been through you couldn't even muster up the courage. It is also good to know that all I have done for you has gone unappreciated as well.

You may or may not be hoping to come out of this with us still friends but I am going to tell you now not to bother. I expect a certain level of honor and respect from my friends and I am not convinced that you have or understand those traits. Maybe I am most mad at myself for putting my trust and faith in you believing that you loved me and cared about me like you said. I expected you to do this right, and I am very disappointed. It seems that the smoke and mirrors show is over. I hope you get what you want out of this.
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Oh yeah. [Aug. 6th, 2006|10:56 pm]
So Saturday was my show night from hell. First, I spent like twenty minutes trying to find a parking spot at Downtown Disney. I know Saturday's are busy but why was everyone in Orlando trying to go to Downtown Disney at the same exact time as me? So after finally finding a parking spot, I walked to House of Blues. The security lady made me give her my highlighter and Sharpie mini. Well she didnt make me. I had the option of checking them for $2, bringing them back to my car, or throwing them out. Lame. So I was like whatever throw them out. I went inside only to find that I had walked in mid-set. Now, had I found a parking spot faster, I would have been on time. But at this point, I was so irritated and thinking I probably missed the good Spill Canvas songs I left after being there for about 5 minutes. I am just mad that I spent 14 dollars to be at this show for 5 min and had to lose my Sharpie Mini in the process. I should have made the bitch give it back to me on my way out. Actually, this whole weekend has been one to test my damn patience. Add the heat and humidity into this fun diddy and I am ready to fight somebody. Back to work tomorrow, hopefully it will prove to be a nice distraction. Mondays are the worst though.
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Quick update of the day. [Jul. 19th, 2006|10:31 pm]
I have been sick and it has continued into today. I don't think that the nearly 8 hours I had to spend in the blistering sun helped my sickness at all. I absolutely love So You Think You Can Dance. Travis, Natalie, and Donyelle are my favorites but I also like Heidi and Allison. The show makes me really want to take some dance classes. I momentarily got distracted because I am trying to pretend I didn't just see Cheyene trying to sing a Pat Benatar song in a Candies commercial. These things shouldn't happen. I think it actually distracted me so much I can't think of what else I wanted to put into this small update. I want to go shopping but I don't quite have money to do so yet. I also want to go to Universal Studios because I haven't gotten over there yet either. I would like to do that tomorrow but given this fabulous illness I am experiencing I haven't managed to do much but lay shiftlessly about the apartment. I moved my bedroom around the other day because my head was too close to the bathroom. Every time Tom peed I felt like it was happening right in my ear. Now my bed is next to the window which is nicer. I am trying to figure out why I haven't changed the channel from Cheyene yet and then I thought about how it is still on because I was watching The Hills and now I am trying to figure out why I was watching The Hills. Curse this sickness causing me to babble and watch horrible television programming! Except So You Think You Can Dance. I would watch that anyway. Word.

P.S. The new Jessica Simpson video looks horrendous. When you're Jessica Simpson, and Every Time I Die does a rollerskating video 100 times better than yours, maybe it wasn't such a good idea. If you know me, this is saying a lot.
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And sunny Orlando... [Jul. 18th, 2006|10:25 pm]
Since I have gotten to Orlando I haven't really taken the time to sit down and update a journal let alone just sit down. Now that I am sick, I just sort of took this day to do nothing after work. Before going into any entries that are my usual rants about things that annoy or dismay me, I will use this entry as a general one about my time in Orlando thus far.

Number one issue, it is entirely too bloody hot. Literally, not a day has passed so far where I haven't said "It is SOOOO hot." I have been wearing sunblock 50 and still tanning. Ridiculous.

Number two issue, nobody knows how to freaking drive. Literally, everyday somebody decides that they need to turn at that exact moment and jump across three lanes cutting you off in the process to get in the turning lane. How difficult is it to just turn around at a convenient stop without endangering the lives of many? Whenever I realize I am going to miss my turn I don't go all Nascar and bob and weave until I victoriously emerge from the front of the pack to make it into the Downtown Disney entrance. Newsflash people, there are like five Downtown Disney entrances and they ALL have parking. Hang on to your panties and take a different one for crying out loud.

Number three issue, there are the most bizarre looking bugs I have ever seen in my life. One night I saw a bug that was like half cockroach and half mutant bug from hell with pinchers. It had to be from the seventh layer of hell or something cause it was one cracked out looking insect. Not to mention the spider situation. The first two days in this apartment I found 14 spiders. Not normal. I think they are being kept at bay right now but I don't want them to make their comeback.

Number four issue, southerners. My biggest problem with Orlando is that it is too southern. People like to tell me that Orlando doesn't even count as the south because so many northerners have moved here. I say, if I get annoyed in a pseudo southern city like Orlando, I would probably die somewhere like the entirety of Alabama. I don't know if it is the heat, the sun, or the water but there is definitely something about these southerners that make my head hurt.

There are positives too. I like to be able to go to the parks whenever I want. My internship is really great and the people I work with are awesome. My job is a bit adult for me though. I go to work and I feel like I am in adult land where everyone is married, about to get married, really close to being a prospective marriage candidate, or have a whole mess of children. Even the people I have met in the office close to my age are engaged. I am in no way ready to be in any one of those stages.

In other positives, I bought a sweet new digital camera that easily fits into my bag now. There are some good shows coming to the House of Blues that I plan on going to see. The Sabres will be playing in Tampa on December 5th and if all goes according to plan I will be in Buffalo for the home opener on October 6th. However, I do really miss Buffalo and I hope when I finish this stuff in Orlando I will be able to find a good job in Buffalo and live there on my own. So that is Orlando in a nutshell right now. More to come.
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lame. [Jun. 5th, 2006|02:09 am]
I just came across this on a message board and thought it was pretty ridiculous so I decided to go ahead and post it. I found this article that discusses the possibility of the government weighing in on portions sizes in restaurants. Apparently this will help to curb obesity. While I agree that portion size in this country may be out of control, I still do not think I need the government telling me how much I should eat. To me, this just shows how completely lazy our society is, and also how society harnesses an inability to think for themselves. Evidently, people cannot take the initiative to eat properly or avoid particular foods, etc and this is how we become obese. Doesn't this kind of play into the whole "I am suing (insert fast-food chain) because my ass is so fat I can't fit through doorways. If only their food wasn't so fattening and they didn't have a convenient window I can just drive right up to instead of exerting some energy by walking anywhere." So I guess if you're overweight, it's not your fault, its the governments for not mandating portion control sooner. Idiots. Maybe it is because I see eating out as an activity rather than a necessity that this whole ordeal seems silly. When I do go out to eat, I certainly am not counting calories. Another thing I don't understand is how people don't seem to know what foods are bad for them. Generally, things deep fried or dripping with grease aren't going to be so heart healthy. How does this manage to escape people? Even if diners can read what garbage is in the food they eat, will it matter? People still smoke even though all of its horrible health risks are plastered right on the packaging. I really don't think it's a portion control issue, it's a self control issue. Those who want to eat a lot of food, are just going to order more food at a portion control restaurant or skip eating out all together. In addition to the self-control thing, it is the lack of exercise thing that also contributes to obesity. Unless the government has an obesity cure that involves eating whatever you want, not exercising, and still losing weight, I think they should just step aside on this issue because I don't see this one panning out.

On a sidebar, I had to add this just because it also annoyed me. Steve and his band are apparently taking pictures tomorrow for their new album. I really wanted to be like, "hey how about not taking horrendously cliche photos that make you look exactly like every other band in the genre?" Until I realized that this would be like saying, "Hey, how about you guys try not breathing oxygen tomorrow?" I am undeniably an asshole for thinking this and recording it right now. I hate that it is true.
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well... [Jun. 2nd, 2006|02:25 am]
The last two weeks have been sort of a blur/nightmare/whatever. I have been preparing myself for the big trip south for my internship that will hopefully help me out immensely with any type of job situation. I gotta say, I am not too keen on the fact that I will be in Orlando during hurricane season. I am hoping I will be able to endure this internship without getting my ass blown off the map. During the whole trying to figure out my apartment process, I was in Las Vegas. I somehow managed to escape Vegas having only lost ten dollars. It was amazing. I also won two tickets to the top of the Eiffel Tower at Paris Hotel which nobody was willing to take the trip up with me. So, I have two tickets for the next trip to Vegas. This trip wasn't whole-ly enjoyable because we all seemed to want to go in different directions which was difficult and sometimes not so fun. Things that did work out though did end up being sweet like the Elvis museum where Dana was as close to heaven as she could be without being in Graceland or physically next to a breathing Elvis. From Vegas I had to fly to Orlando for more internship apartment preparation involving moving a bed, dresser, and a television fully capable of causing my collapse up to the third floor that my apartment rests on. This trip wasn't whole-ly enjoyable either considering that it was mostly business and the only time I did have to make it to a Disney theme park for a bit of fun got rained out preventing me from riding the new rollercoaster Expedition Everest. Lame. But I got my apartment pretty much in order and we got my grandparents house all squared away for selling. From Orlando I went to Raleigh to catch Game 5 of the Eastern Conference finals and to cheer on the Sabres. Before the game was fun. During the game, not so much. It was a great game, but ended in a loss. I am lucky I didn't snap after hearing a fat bald guy heckling our goalie for 60 minutes. Now, back in Buffalo all I have to speak of is a thrilling trip to the eye doctor. Needless to say I am exhausted. This may be more because of the fact that its 2:41 am and I am still awake for no apparent reason. I am considering taking a train to Orlando instead of a plane because it seems like a more charming way of making the trip. That sentence was super random, but hey, I am just getting more tired by the minute.
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